Here We Go Again: How to Stop Having the Same Fight

Here We Go Again

By Steven Zimmerman

“Here you come again” is the chorus of a popular song by Dolly Parton. The constant pressure of repeated arguments can make it feel like your spouse is always coming at you.

You could say that couples who never solve anything and have the same fight over and over are listening to Dolly Parton. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Communication is the number one issue couples come to us with, and it’s not even close. It stands to reason that better communication is the answer to recurring fights. But if you keep having the same argument, ask yourself: Are we solving the problem, or are we just stopping when we get tired?

There is no magic fairy dust to sprinkle on a marriage to make communication issues go away, but there are simple steps you can take to reduce miscommunication and the resulting arguments.

Start by asking more questions. Asking questions leads to less misunderstanding and fewer assumptions. “Is this what you meant?” or “What bothered you most about that?” can keep you from arguing against something your spouse never intended to say.

An incorrect assumption that isn’t corrected can get a fight started, and you wind up getting further and further afield. Simple questions allow for course corrections. You stay on task, get to solutions quicker, and don’t wind up fighting about last month’s dispute because you addressed the spat before it became a fight.

Another key is letting your spouse finish what they are saying. Interrupting is like pouring gas on a fire. You may get your point across, but you have prolonged the fight. Even if you’ve heard the concern before, give your spouse the chance to explain it. A familiar subject doesn’t mean you fully understand why it still hurts.

An additional benefit of being quiet and listening is that the conversation may take a more peaceful direction than you expected. Instead of jumping in to defend a position that isn’t under attack, you stay quiet. The other person feels heard and respected, and you go on about your day.

But before you move on, make sure you’ve agreed on what needs to happen next. “I’ll do better” leaves a lot open to interpretation. “I’ll call if I’m going to be late” gives you a specific action to follow through on. An agreement only helps when you keep it.

Staying on point, not jumping the gun, and making sure you aren’t hearing something your spouse doesn’t intend to communicate are great ways to keep from going around the same mountain of negativity one more time. The next time you think, “Here we go again,” let that be your reminder to ask a question, listen to the answer, and take one step toward resolving what keeps bringing you back.

To help you put these steps into practice, Melisa and I created Here We Go Again: Conflict & Communication Package. This free download includes a Conversation Reset guide, a worksheet to help you move from the same fight to a specific agreement, and 12 printable conversation cards.

Download your free Conflict & Communication Package here. Choose one concern, set aside a calm time, and work through it together.